I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. What exactly is forgiveness? and why is it so hard to give? First of all, forgiveness is probably one of the most powerful concepts in the universe. It is not "being over something" and letting someone "off the hook". It is not easy or cheap. True forgiveness costs. In John 15:13, Jesus tells his disciples, "Greater love has no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friend." I always thought this verse was referring to dying for a friend. It may actually mean that. But I think giving forgiveness when it really costs us is more difficult - laying down my life - what I want - my rights, truly shows great love! If I indulge my anger or my righteous indignation when I am wronged, and then go forgive my friend, is that truly forgiveness? It is certainly not costly. It is easy to say I have forgiven if I have punished first. But the power is lost. There is no power in false forgiveness.
When I forgive someone who has hurt me - particularly if I feel I would be justified in being angry - I take on the "cost" of that hurt. This means I am hurt twice - once by my friend, and once by choosing not to pass on the hurt. This is the cost of forgiveness. I must make the point here that there is a giant difference between forgiveness and trust. If I have been hurt by someone I trusted. I am able (and required) to forgive them, but I should not give back trust so easily. Trust must be earned. By not trusting them again immediately, I am not "holding a grudge" but simply protecting myself from future hurts.
I am trying to teach my daughters to forgive each other immediately when the get into a squabble - even before the other apologizes. An apology is not necessary for forgiveness. Forgiveness is necessary to keep me from becoming bitter and hateful. But I never require my daughters to give back trust. That is a different matter altogether.
God has given us the perfect example/pattern for forgiveness. First, we hurt God by sinning against him. Then, God was hurt again when he sent Jesus to suffer the consequence of our sin. Jesus is God, so he was baring the cost himself. God did not wait for us to apologize before forgiving us. He forgave first. Unfortunately, we cannot know or experience that forgiveness without knowing God. It would be the same if I forgave my friend, but then she refused to ever see me or visit me again. The forgiveness would be just as real on my end, but how would she ever know or experience the good of it unless she spent time with me? By doing so, she would be accepting my forgiveness.
There have been times when I have been hurt and I wasn't willing to forgive. I nursed my anger and righteous indignation until it was about to consume me. Anger does that - especially anger that is righteous. I mean, if I have been truly wronged. Once, when I was driving to work, a huge dump truck almost pulled into my lane without any signal when it was right beside me. I would have been demolished. It really, really scared me. Luckily, at the last second, the driver must have looked in his mirror, and he swerved back to his own lane. When I pulled ahead so I was at the front of the truck, still shaking from fear, the driver gave me a nasty look and a rude gesture! Me! I was doing nothing wrong! He almost killed me. Oh, the righteous anger. I think I yelled at three other cars on the rest of my drive to work. I was passing on the anger. I could feel God telling me to let it go. Forgiving that driver would do nothing for him, but it made a world of difference for me. It was an interesting lesson for me on how important it is to forgive immediately - for my own sake. I held on to that anger all the way across the bridge. And it was growing inside me; ballooning up in my chest and spilling out on all the other drivers on the road. And there are a lot of not-so-bright drivers in the city! But the anger was taking over my whole being. (and this is just a small example of my anger!) As soon as I said it aloud -right there in my van on the Bedford Highway - "I forgive you. I forgive you for scaring me and then acting like it was my fault." - I was released from the power of the fear and anger. When I said those words, the power of that anger was gone. I took what was left of my hurt and fear, and I chose to bare the cost of it and not pass it on. I chose to be free from the cycle.
Recently, I was presented with a hurt that was more difficult to forgive. It was not a huge thing, but it was difficult for me to forgive because a small amount of trust had been eaten away. I know that this trust will need to be built again, but the forgiveness has given me the freedom to start building.
I guess, the more I think I know about forgiveness, the more I realize I have yet to learn. I am just amazed by the power it holds - power to set me free. I need not be held captive by those who have hurt me. I can forgive them and be free from the power of their hurt. And by forgiving them, not give them back the power to hurt me again - that's trust - but remove the power of the past hurts.
So, if the driver of a really big dump truck, who almost crushed a grey mini-van on the circumferential highway in Dartmouth ever reads my blog: I forgive you!
